Aquarius: Don’t feel too bad about being alone for Valentine’s Day! It’ll be just like every other day for you, even though everyone around you is going to be getting chocolates and flowers. At least they’re a half off the next day so you can pretend someone gave them to you.
Pisces: As much fun as it may seem to go to the bar and find someone desperate for love, it’s probably the worst possible idea you could come up with-and you’ve come up with some pretty awful ideas. You don’t want to do anything too stupid or something you might regret, unless you’re really into that sort of thing.
Aries: It’s no surprise that you’ve got people fawning all over you, especially with this holiday of love coming up! I promise that even though all they’re doing is congratulating you on maxing out skills in Skyrim; deep down they really don’t harbor romantic feelings for you.
Taurus: You may have planned something amazing for your Valentine my dear Taurus, but please keep in mind that they may not be completely down for a horror movie marathon. Yes, it may be fun for you, but being self-centered isn’t very becoming on you-neither is that shirt you’re planning on wearing.
Gemini: It’s pretty obvious that you’re just holding out for perfection. As much fun as that might be to you, everyone else around you isn’t having much fun. Look, you’re not too perfect yourself, so you can’t expect your better half to be. Besides, you’ve only got so much time-don’t expect too much and you might be surprised.
Cancer: It’s time to dig out your dancing shoes and your best clothes, you need to do some courting! I know you are really looking to impress people and hopefully find someone special, but you might want to tone it down, it’s not 1974 anymore, and nobody wears polyester either.
Leo: Keep being awesome, Leo, as it’s painfully obvious that you think you’re amazing. You very well may be, but news flash: It’s not all about you, Really! Look around, It’s Valentine’s Day and love is in the air. But alas, here you are, alone with your TV dinner and sappy movies. It’s a good day to get drunk — very, very drunk.
Virgo: A certain special someone needs a tiny bit of TLC. Guess what? It’s you! The problem is, you’re not gonna get it. This is going to be a very long, pathetic Valentine’s Day.
Libra: It’s Valentine’s Day and it won’t end soon enough. Instead of wallowing in your misery, why not make yourself useful? Get really, really drunk and play Cupid this year. Set up two people who have no business being together!
Scorpio: You will suddenly decide to take a romantic vacation with your lover; being the spontaneous lover that you are. However, you’ll probably end up on a wonderfully boring trip to North Dakota. Next time maybe you should think a little more about things before jumping into them.
Sagittarius: You may have done some soul searching lately, wondering why things haven’t been going right for you in the love department. It might be your cologne, your sense of humor, or your personality. Possibly a mixture of the three-actually, make that most likely.
Capricorn: Everyone has the right to be stupid once in a while but you are abusing that right. In fact, you’ve been abusing it for years. Ever wonder why you’re alone every single Valentine’s Day? Take a look around — it’s time to change your heinous ways.