Opinion

DESPERATE STUDENTS OF ALFRED, NEW YORK

ASC.EDU – Mike Deville Ph.D.

Here’s the deal. It’s my last semester here at Camp Alfred, and I’d like to do something nice for the college as I go out the door. So I’ve decided to pull the college back from the edge of financial disaster and put Camp Alfred on the radar of every high school student in America! That’s all.

Hey, we all know New York State is billions of dollars in the red. And things won’t get any better for about 150 years. You probably heard the rumor that SUNY wants to save some $$$$$$ by combining some colleges. It’s exciting to think about, but anyone smart enough to get accepted to Camp Alfred is smart enough to see that combining SUNY campuses won’t work.

Picture this: Camp Alfred merges with Geneseo; it sounds good till you look a little closer. Your MWF 9:00 Differential Equations class is in Alfred, but your 10:00 Volleyball class is in Geneseo! Thanks, SUNY, but no thanks. Racing back from Geneseo for a CDH lunch won’t work either. So, you can ignore whatever you hear about Alfred combining with another SUNY college.

For a while last semester I thought the president was planning on drilling a gas well up near the Orvis Gym. I could see that drilling rig pounding away. Hey, I figured why not? Camp Alfred sits on a bunch of the famous Marcellus shale. A little frackin’ here, a little more frackin’ there and this college’s money problems could be solved for LIFE, if you know what I mean; if you don’t know, open a newspaper sometime and learn the frackin’ facts!

So, it looks like Camp Alfred will have to save itself from foreclosure or whatever they do when a college is in money trouble. Lucky for Camp Alfred that Dr. Deville is still on duty for one last semester!

I’ve got the perfect plan to solve all of Camp Alfred’s problems. It will bring the college beaucoup d’bucks AND put Camp Alfred on the map overnight! Are you sitting down, because this is huge!

We’ll turn Alfred State College into a REALITY SHOW! My plan takes a little getting used to, I know…. but think about it: They’ve got reality shows on gold miners, drug addicts, truck drivers, pawn shops, exterminators, gunsmiths, moonshiners….there’s even a reality show on people crazy enough to live in Alaska, if you can believe that!

About the only reality show they haven’t thought of yet is one about a small, 100 year old college, buried in the mountains of Western New York. Am I right? I thought so.

Getting this show on cable TV won’t be easy. Alot of us will have to get used to cameras following us everywhere, and to build an audience, we’ll need some ‘human interest’ drama focusing on some interesting students and a couple of teachers. How’s this for a good story line? We’ll focus on two students when they first arrive on campus and two teachers.  One teacher is an old timer and the other one is in his/her first year of teaching. We’ll have one of the new students be from NYC, someone who’s never been north of Poughkeepsie, and one from a town in WNY, some place like East Java or West Almond, someone who’s never been east of East Corning.

I can already see the drama building: the NYC student is shocked to see things like cows and trees, and the WNY student thinks the NYC student has a funny accent. Let’s make them roommates or at least in the same major. How about Vet Tech? The city kid is here to major is small, cute, sissy-looking dogs, and the country kid is here to study big, manly cows.

The drama keeps building: the old timer teacher is a real dinosaur. He hates iPod, Twitter, and even cell phones. He doesn’t exactly hate students, but he’d retire in a minute if the Dow ever hit 13,000 again. The new teacher is of course, very cool. He has ALL the latest technology, and uses it in class. He hangs out with students on weekends. He does not even know what ‘the Dow’ is, and as long as he has the latest apps, he’s happy. The truth is that he’ll probably never be able to retire, but he won’t realize this till he’s OLD.

We’ll need a catchy name for the show, like ‘Swamp People’ or ‘Pawn Stars’ or ‘Sons of Guns,’ a name that will grab viewers and hold them. How about ‘SUNY Days, DARK Nights: Life in Camp Alfred’? Or maybe ‘Journey to the End of the World: I Chose Alfred State’? Or ‘Happy Students in Happy Valley’? OK, they need a little work, but you get the idea.

The details still need working out, but I’ll leave that to the President’s Council. Look, here’s a little factoid to chew on: Chumley, the ‘slow guy’ on ‘Pawn Stars,’ now earns over $1000 just to show up somewhere and DO NOTHING! Troy, one of the Swamp People, is now a rich man from being on Swamp People! There is MONEY to be made with reality shows, and I am personally urging the College President to get behind this idea. After just one season on the Discovery Channel or History Channel, all of America will know where Camp Alfred is and be trying to get into ‘that college on the TV show.’

Hey, as I get closer to graduation I guess it’s natural to want to leave my mark on the campus, sort of mark my territory. And what better way than to save the college from foreclosure and a financial mess? I’m even guessing the College President will name a building or something after me just based on my genius idea of a reality show. I can see it now: Deville Dining Hall or maybe Deville School of Engineering.

One small problem, the college has to ACT FAST on my idea of a reality show. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s another college right across the street, and whatever you may think about the way they dress, they are not stupid over there. As soon as my idea gets around, either Camp Alfred has to make this show happen or ‘that other college’ will jump on my idea and run with it.

This TV reality show plan is TOO good to let it get away. Please contact the highest administrator you feel worthy to approach and tell him or her to get behind my plan to put Camp Alfred on the map!

 

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