(March 21-April 19):

It’s fine and dandy to like weird smells-cut grass, gasoline, what have you. However, it’s really weird when you start using those as air freshener. It’s fine to be quirky and all, but when people start thinking your room is about to explode, you might have a problem.


(April 20-May 20):

Could you be more calm than you have been lately?! It’s almost like you’re a corpse or something! It’s fine to not be super excitable, but come on, people might start calling the morgue on you if you don’t start acting a little interested in life.


(May 21-June 20):

It’s great that you’re attempting to eat healthier and do things that are good for you-it really is, but try to do them outside of your day dreams or when you’re thinking back on the past about “what good things you’ve done”. It isn’t going to help you much, I promise.


(June 21-July 22):

It’s fairly apparent that trashy television is your downfall-it’s just about all you watch. The world knows it can be fun, but please stop trying to emulate them. Nobody wants to look like Snooki, nobody.


(July 23 -August 22):

It’s well known that you’ve been extremely busy lately-but it might be time to calm down a little bit. Sleeping is in fact important, but so is everything else! Next time you take on a lot of responsibility-make sure you can at least shower in peace, everyone will thank you. Everyone.


(August 23-September 22):

Wouldn’t it be nice if people wouldn’t bash you for thinking a little differently? I mean, sure a lot of what you think might be totally wrong factually, but come on, how awful could that possibly be?


(September 23-October 22):

Procrastination to an extent is okay, sometimes you need a breather from a project, but you’ve been procrastinating on everything to an insane amount. You’re supposed to procrastinate work by making coffee, not procrastinate making coffee by taking a nap! Try harder!


(October 23-November 21):

Being up on the latest events is great, it makes you seem well rounded and intelligent. Being up on the latest ways to cook vegetable dips doesn’t really do the same thing for you. If you’re going to be surfing the internet and telling everyone something interesting you learned, at least make it about something other than this new asparagus dip-nobody likes asparagus, and nobody really cares.


(November 22-December 21):

Try to shake things up in your life — you need a change, and fast. You’re getting extremely boring and stagnant doing the same things over and over. Everyone has been noticing lately, but they’re too nice to say anything.


(December 22-January 19):

Talking about everything can be fun, especially something you’re a fan of like video games. However, lately you’ve been a little hostile about even the smallest details, just because someone couldn’t tell you the exact shade of green of Luigi’s pants doesn’t mean they don’t like games as much as you. Take a chill pill, relax a little, you’ll be happier and people will actually want you around again.


(January 20-February 18):

Being proud of your accomplishments is spectacular! Being someone who brags about theirs, not so much. Trust me, the fact that you can sing a song backwards isn’t something we need to hear fifty thousand times, twice is usually enough.



(February 19-March 20):

Try to be a little more careful with your money, I know you might get sick in the near future but spending $300 on tissues is excessive. Sure, you won’t have to buy them for the next eight years of your life, but couldn’t you use that money on something a little more fun? Or food?


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