Campus News

HYDROFREQING!

~Sam McCarthy~

An anonymous source confirmed rumors of HYDROFREQING at Alfred State. The unnamed informant (a reportedly former government operative) provided some hand written documents that indicated ASC administration’s intentions to proceed with plans to investigate the viability of the controversial test drilling below the campus. Some of the finer points of these plans were not available due to poor lighting conditions at the informant arranged meeting place; the location and time must remain undisclosed as per agreement. One student reported: “Yeah, I heard rumors, but I didn’t really know what to make of them.”

Tuition changes could be among the financial effects if the test holes yield desired results, altering the sleepy town of Alfred forever. Economists are still working on projections to model what happens in towns where hydrofreqing takes place.

A noted local environmentalist claims: “until we know more, there is no way for us to predict what the effects might be on an ecosystem.” In response to these scathing criticisms and amid possible protests by various special interest groups and concerned students, trucks that could be carrying test equipment arrive on campus every day. Some members of the administration were unavailable for comment, claiming that interviews must be scheduled during their regular office hours. Are they trying to cover something up?

Hydrofreqing is a yet undiscovered method of testing the density and makeup of soil and rock which utilizes deep drilled holes filled with water that has metal rods inserted into it. A special generator then subjects the rods to vibrations which pass through the ground and are received and interpreted by sensors on the surface. “Hydrofreqing is 1,000% safe” say officials from the Three Mile Island safety commission. April fools!

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