Opinion

ASC.EDU BY MIKE DEVILLE PH.D.

You’ve got two weeks at Camp Alfred on the board and you’re thinking, “Hey, this college thing isn’t so bad. Maybe I’ll just stay around Alfred a little longer; it worked for Deville. Well good luck, pilgrim, ‘cause Camp Alfred’s got a few more things to throw at you. Like the weather…. But I’ll let you find out about Alfred weather later. OR you could go to any senior’s room and check out the HEAVY COAT in the closet. Hmmm…. I wonder why experienced campers here have parkas? And real boots? It seems SO nice here….

But enough depressing talk. It’s September and YOU ARE PUMPED about being here, so let’s run with it. Classes are easy, so far. No big exams, no huge papers assigned (unless you have that mean business prof, in which case, I’m sorry). The weather has been great, so far. Dorm life is OK some days, great other days. You got lucky in the roommate lotto and drew a winner. He hasn’t built a meth lab in your room (yet), and all his friends either leave by 2:00 am or get in bed with him, so everything is cool. May-be your roomie borrows your clothes some, but at least not your underwear, so there’s peace in the suite. And sure, you’ve smelled something funny a few times up on the third floor, near that room where they party every night, but you figured, “Hey, they’re forensic science majors! Who knows what they have for home-work? Body parts…blood spatters?” Yes, when you see ‘blood spatters’ and ‘roommate’ in the same par-agraph, and it doesn’t seem that strange to you, welcome to the ‘Camp Alfred’ state of mind. Don’t worry, it’s treatable.

THE MAIN POINT
Now let’s get to the real point, CDH Food. Sure, you’ve bitched about it like almost everyone else, but at the same time, you’ve noticed your pants fit a little tighter than they did three weeks ago. Surprise! You have just entered the early stages of the dreaded Freshman Fifteen, as in FIFTEEN POUNDS. Hey, everyone gains a few pounds, but when you start gaining three or four pounds every week, well, you’re ready to join the Fitness Center. OR you’re ready for Dr. Mike Deville’s Plan BBC. Let’s break this down: even getting to the Fitness Center is work, with those annoying hills, etc. And once you get there, MORE WORK! Little known fact: most modern exercise machines were designed in Nazi Germany to be used as torture devices. American troops brought them back as souvenirs, but somehow they got loose and the rest is history.

Fortunately you are at the only SUNY college with Dr. Mike Deville on the staff. OK, so I bought my Ph.D. on the internet (Buxton University, class of 2010) for $59.95, best money I ever spent. But let’s not change the conversation: YOU are gaining weight on CDH food, and I know how to stop that weight gain, so listen up.
The secret to keeping those ugly pounds off (and even the attractive pounds, if you know what I mean) is three simple words: beans, bagels, and coffee. Yes, I know, it sounds too easy. But I tested it this summer. Since the day I left Camp Alfred in May, I have consumed nothing but beans, bagels, and coffee. Long story short, you can get ALL the nutrition you need each day if you eat lots of beans, bagels and drink plenty of cof-fee. Take a nutrition class and prove me wrong if you dare.

ANOTHER MAIN POINT
But don’t trust me. Try it your-self. It works like this. The beans provide protein and bulk, the bagels provide starch and sugar, and the coffee keeps the whole show moving. Simple, easy to remember, guaranteed to keep you slim and moving, a lot. Let your roommate buy the XXL pantas; you’ll be buying smaller sizes by the end of this month. I need to add a few other small points about the BBC diet. The beans must be good beans, not some fake beans imported from who knows where. Try to eat beans grown in Western New York, even if they cost more. I recommend Jenkins’ market just north of Hornell. And the bagels must be real bagels, not that frozen junk. I recommend Wegman’s ba-gels, baked fresh daily. (Deville’s personal favorites are the cinnamon-raison bagels, but you pick your favorite.) And finally, we get to the coffee. I’m a little picky on the coffee. For several years I only drank Terra Cotta’s Triple Brewed Americano, but about a year ago, I switched to ‘Jet coffee, and I drink it straight from the cup, no fancy additives. Some of my friends were shocked when I left TC and walked across the street to the ‘Jet, but that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say I had my reasons for making the switch.

I’ll wrap this up fast. IF you’re getting a few too many calories at CDH, you might be ready for Dr. Deville’s Beans, Bagels, and Coffee diet. You’ll feel like a million Canadian dollars, and there’ll be a whole new rhythm in your step, trust me. Friends will stop you and ask, “What happened? Are you OK? Are you sure?” And you’ll just give that ‘beans, bagels and coffee’ smile. The choice is yours to make, fellow campers. Buy the XXL pants, join the Fitness Center and sweat, OR give Dr. Deville’s Bean, Bagels, and Coffee diet a 30 trial. I can make this promise: you’ll never be the same!

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