Mike Deville, PH.D
I won’t sugarcoat this, folks. Look, if you’ve been around here as long as I’ve been at Camp Alfred, you develop a few ‘inside sources.’ And my inside Albany sources tell me SUNY is about to drop a 50 megaton bomb on a lot of recent SUNY grads and SUNY professors.
Here’s the ugly truth: the Lance Armstrong doping scandal is wider and deeper than anyone first thought. It goes way beyond the Tour de France, affecting than just a bunch of grown men riding bikes! My sources tell me the doping scandal has spread to many American college campuses. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but many American college students have been using performance enhancing drugs for years, including at many SUNY campuses. It gives new meaning to the term ‘higher education.’
SUNY has tried to cover up this doping scandal for years. But now that Lance Armstrong’s story of doping is out, SUNY has had to admit it: for years many SUNY students and their professors have been using performance enhancing drugs to get better grades and to graduate on time.
Details are still vague, but some recent SUNY grads are admitting that many of the papers they wrote in college were written while they were using popular performance enhancing drugs. And now that the story is breaking, professors on some SUNY campuses are admitting that they, too, used performance enhancing drugs to improve their teaching.
SUNY officials are promising to continue their investigation of this embarrassing scandal. And most shocking of all, SUNY announced plans to strip students of any credit hours earned while the students or their professors were using performance enhancing drugs. In many cases, students, who have already graduated will be ‘stripped’ of their SUNY degree due to lack of credit hours needed to graduate.
Think about this! Each year, nearly 200 students earn a Ph.D. at SUNY University Centers in New York State, and it is estimated that about 75 percent of those students used performance enhancing drugs at some time during their graduate program. Stripping those graduates of their Ph.D. will likely destroy their teaching careers. One SUNY official feared that Ph.D. graduates in literature will be most severely affected by the degree-stripping because they are widely known to use performance enhancing drugs as part of their graduate studies. (Students earning a Ph.D. in engineering reported using NO performance enhancing drugs!)
OK, on a happier note, I can report that exactly NONE of the professors at Camp Alfred are suspected of using performance enhancing drugs while in grad school. This was good news for me, because years ago, my comp teacher was a little too ‘abstract’ at times, and I won’t lie: at times I wondered if performance enhancing drugs were part of the equation.
And speaking of equations, I’ve been suspicious of my math professor a few times this fall. A student’s simple, sincere question like “what is an imaginary number?” can lead to a 10 minute rambling answer that can get quite negative at times. But to be fair, try to imagine someone earning a Ph.D. in imaginary numbers…. I rest my case.
Hey, I hear you saying, “How will this affect you, Dr. Deville?” Well, the good news is my Ph.D. is from Buxton University (instantdegrees.com), a college that always stays above the academic debates that haunt lesser colleges. I sent them one easy payment of $59.95, they sent me my Ph.D., and everyone was happy. It was a win-win situation. If classes at Camp Alfred every drag you down, keep old Buxton U. in mind.
Change of topic: It’s almost Election Day in the good, old USA. This is your one chance to stand up and say to the politicians “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” OK, with that said, I can give you some election results a little early. I may be wrong, but what the heck? First, O’bama will win, and Romney will lose. But it will be SO close that both sides will be angry. The Republicans will hold the House of Representatives and take over the Senate. This means we’ll have four years of gridlock. But we’ll still have O’bama-care, so at least all of our pre-existing conditions will be covered.
And since he won’t have to run for reelection, O’bama will start shopping around for the best offer from publishers waiting to publish his book. Can you say ‘instant millionaire’? And the most interesting part is that Andrew Cuomo and Hillary Clinton can begin the strange dance that each one hopes will take him/her to the White House in 2016, the same White House Marco Rubio has a good chance of occupying.
That’s all I’ve got for you. You may now return to your studies.