Opinion

ASC.EDU BY MIKE DEVILLE PH.D.

Hey fellow Camp Alfred people. Today I want to discuss a serious topic, women and tattoos.

First, on a lighter note, I need to say something about the presidential election. But here’s the problem. Because the Tor Echo is actually printed in China and shipped here later, which takes a few days, I’m actually writing this ASC.edu about a week ago, if that makes sense. And here’s the deal. YOU know who won the election, but I don’t!

Oh, I’ve got a good guess who won, but YOU know for sure who our president is. Unless the election was a tie…. Or the vote was SO CLOSE that they’ve got to recount the votes, including the soggy ones from New Jersey and Staten Island, courtesy of Hurricane Sandy. Or maybe ‘the wrong person’ won, and ‘the other party’ is crying like a baby and hiring lots of lawyers to challenge every vote. (Note to self: what is the collective noun for lawyers? A pack of lawyers? A swarm of lawyers? A mob of lawyers?)

Anywho, by the time you read this we’ve either got four more years of O’bama or four years of Romney. Whoever won, all I can say is good luck, mister! You asked for it, and now the problems are YOUR problems.
Look, I don’t want to get too historical or hysterical about this, but during my one semester as a history major, I learned a few things. I learned this country survived George Bush the First, George Bush the Second, and even Bill (“I never had sex with that woman”) Clinton, and probably a few presidents before them. I know there was a president with a beard, and the guy that got shot, or maybe the guy with a beard got shot….? And I think one of the early presidents might have been a woman, but don’t quote me on this. Or maybe one president had a wife AND a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? And I think the FBI director wore women’s clothes to the White House. Hey, when you get back before the 1970s, all this history stuff gets so vague, if you know what I mean. I’m not even sure they had written records that long ago.

So finally the endless campaign is over and the old US of A has a president, and from watching the campaign for the past few months, everybody knows both O’bama and Romney each ‘have a plan,’ so everything will be alright! Each of them says he can ‘fix the economy’ and ‘create jobs,’ so we should be OK soon. (The ugly truth is neither O’bama nor Romney has a plan; all these presidents are just making it up as they go and hoping things work out. But don’t tell that to the voters!)

Enough about the election. Let’s talk about the serious stuff, women and tattoos. Here’s the question: how many tattoos on a woman is enough, and when does a woman have too many tattoos? I’m seeing a lot more tats lately, some of them pretty amazing, and I’ve started wondering if there’s such a thing as too many tats on a woman.

In case you’re wondering, this whole tattoo question came up when I was taking a shower the other day and someone asked about the tattoo on my lower cheeks. Actually I’ve got two tats: The left one says ‘GoCa’ and the right one says ‘nada.’ Long story short, I was at a Toronto Blue Jays game about a year ago. After a few too many Canadian beers, I got talked into getting a tattoo. I shouted ‘Go Canada’ and the rest is permanent, inked history. My tat would be easier to read if I’d been in Buffalo and yelled ‘Go Bills,’ but hey, you only go around once, etc. And my butt tat is a good ice breaker when I’m showering with strangers.

Back to women and tattoos. What’s the correct number of tats on a woman and which locations are OK and which are just plain wrong? OK, I’m gonna put a few things on the table and let you take it from there. I’ll say that up to three tattoos are good, four or more are debatable, and anything over eight tats on a woman is crossing the line.
I hear you asking, “But Deville, what if a woman has 10 tats but you can only see three of them?” Good point. With that kind of mind, you’re probably an annoying accounting major. You’ll serve jail time someday, but before you’re caught, you’ll make a lot of money working on Wall Street.

But to answer your question, “a man only knows about the tattoos that a woman chooses to show him.” It’s sort of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation. If a woman says she has only three tats, go with that number until the day you discover tat number four. Get it? And if the hope of finding tat number four brings out the adventurer in you, it’s OK to start looking for tat number five WHEN the moment is right. Let me break this down for my ‘slower’ readers. It is NOT OK to walk up to a woman you’ve just met and say, “How many tats you got, woman?”
And this brings me to the delicate question about the ‘right’ location and ‘wrong’ location for tats on women. To answer this one, you’ll have to take a little field trip down to your Hornell Wal-Mart. Here’s the deal: Any tats you can see on a woman BEFORE she bends over to check out the specials on chewing tobacco this week are legitimate. Any tats that are ONLY evident while she’s bending over are not OK. Got it?

It’s so simple, and you were expecting some long bunch of rules, right? Like leg tats below the knee are OK if the woman is married, and more than four tats on the forearms are not OK UNLESS the woman was a marine, stuff like that, picky rules, right?

Well wake up and smell the coffee, Mister! We’re 12 years into a brand new century. It’s 2012, and there are no fashion rules anymore! In fact, I’d like to announce right now that I’m considering getting another tattoo myself. I haven’t decided on the exact wording yet, but I want a tattoo that celebrates sustainability and the ongoing efforts to reduce greenhouse gases. I know it won’t be as sexy as ‘GoCa nada,’ but if I pick the right tattoo, it might help me meet some really interesting people when I take showers at Orvis.
PS. Obama won.

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